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January 24th, 2004

10:00 pm - wow I fucking love him... soo fucking much. But he's too good for me. I'm just a loser, he's fucking brilliant (in my mind) and it's bugging me... why would a smart, respectable person like him fall in love with a fucked up idiot like me? i want to be with him for ever and ever... i can't fucking stand myself though, and in order to be completely confident with the relationship i'm supposed to love myself. Fuck that. Ugh i can't stand it... i just hate who i am and all i've ever been and what i do and how i think and how i feel... sometimes when i'm with him it's a different feeling though, like i'm actually worth something... and that he appreciates me despite the waste of a human being that i am.. (to most people and myself). I just hate the way i feel about him... i can't stand that i'm so obsessed, and that he's constantly on my mind, and that i can never get enough time with him... it's not healthy... and it's making me depressed (when i'm not with him anyway) lately i've been feeling like getting back at people who have given me shit for a while... i hold a grudge against my dad for some of the rude shit he's done to my family, even though now he's a pretty okay guy.. just a control freak... control freaks bug me. I just couldn't stand his constant mood swings, sarcasm and his big anger problems... he could get really scary when he got mad... this all happened when my brother was just a little kid... oh god... he made my brother cry alot of times... i'm trying to remember more things that he did that have scarred me. The first time I ever heard the word "bitch" was when i was about 6... coming out of my father's mouth, directed at me. See, he has bipolar disorder. If you don't know what that is, it's this horrible disorder that causes extreme mood swings. When he got mad, he got mad. I remember so many little things... like that time he got so pissed and kicked over a box of legoes and tried to make me pick them up, and i said no and then he pushed me and yelled "PICK THEM UP" and then he apologized and blah blah... and i feel bad because he can't really help it, it's bipolar disorder.... and i've had serious anger problems myself in life, and i'm so fucking embarassed about them, i feel like i'm a psycho or something... NOT in a good way... the past tends to control my mind and it just won't go away. It's driving me insane. I feel like people are just too good for me... life is too good for me. I'm not suicidal, so don't get your hopes up. But i do need help... and not from another fucking shrink... my shrink scares me. Shrinks in general scare me... they're too damn NICE. I like the friendliness, but it's a bit creepy... i'm not used to people being all that nice to me. I'm labelled as the failure, the fuck up, the loser, the lazyass... pathetic... my mom called me pathetic once. Eh.. when will it end? Current Mood: confused Current Music: mustard plug - beer song

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January 21st, 2004

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January 6th, 2004

11:50 am - really good fucking song i can so relate to this song. yeah, homelife is a drag, deadly like a plague if sadness lurks within yer walls, as it does in mine where i am confined to my room to hide from all of the bullshit i've gotta deal with from them and they don't give in, untill i am cryin' my eyes out over this shit, and then i scream out homelife is a drag, deadly like a plague gotta get outta here before i loose my mind yeah, homelife is a drag, deadly like a plague when everything i do is wrong, and its all my fault and they dont understand, me or who i am they'll never except that this is all who i am and all i can do is never enough i wish that for once they'd just fucking lay off homelife is a drag, deadly like a plague abandon all hope, and watch my dreams fade away with all this shits stacked, like weights on my back wth no one to help me, soon i will collapse my family hates me, i fucking hate them goddammit, will this homelife shit ever end?! yeah, homelife is a drag, deadly like a plague if you live with anger and hate, just like here where i live in fear of losing my mind and killing you all, leaving no one behind trapped inside these walls, with no where to go and nothing to do, i am bored and depressed patients put to the test, dagger at my chest i carve into my arm to relieve the stress homelife is a drag, deadly like a plauge gotta get outta here before i loose my mind my family hates me, i fuckin hate them goddammit, will this homelife shit ever end?! now, shows over come home, and i'm all alone with no one to talk to and no pot to smoke homelife, is a drag, deadly like a plauge i'll walk out the front door, and never look back - No-Cash (good band, check em out everyone, their music's kinda hard to find but i have some of their stuff, i can send it to you) Current Mood: blah Current Music: Pig Destroyer - One funeral too many

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January 4th, 2004

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