Current mood:	confused
Current music:	mustard plug - beer song

wow
I fucking love him... soo fucking much. But he's too good for me. I'm just a loser, he's fucking brilliant (in my mind) and it's bugging me... why would a smart, respectable person like him fall in love with a fucked up idiot like me? i want to be with him for ever and ever... i can't fucking stand myself though, and in order to be completely confident with the relationship i'm supposed to love myself. Fuck that. Ugh i can't stand it... i just hate who i am and all i've ever been and what i do and how i think and how i feel... sometimes when i'm with him it's a different feeling though, like i'm actually worth something... and that he appreciates me despite the waste of a human being that i am.. (to most people and myself). I just hate the way i feel about him... i can't stand that i'm so obsessed, and that he's constantly on my mind, and that i can never get enough time with him... it's not healthy... and it's making me depressed (when i'm not with him anyway)
lately i've been feeling like getting back at people who have given me shit for a while... i hold a grudge against my dad for some of the rude shit he's done to my family, even though now he's a pretty okay guy.. just a control freak... control freaks bug me. I just couldn't stand his constant mood swings, sarcasm and his big anger problems... he could get really scary when he got mad... this all happened when my brother was just a little kid... oh god... he made my brother cry alot of times... i'm trying to remember more things that he did that have scarred me. The first time I ever heard the word "bitch" was when i was about 6... coming out of my father's mouth, directed at me. See, he has bipolar disorder. If you don't know what that is, it's this horrible disorder that causes extreme mood swings. When he got mad, he got mad. I remember so many little things... like that time he got so pissed and kicked over a box of legoes and tried to make me pick them up, and i said no and then he pushed me and yelled "PICK THEM UP" and then he apologized and blah blah... and i feel bad because he can't really help it, it's bipolar disorder.... and i've had serious anger problems myself in life, and i'm so fucking embarassed about them, i feel like i'm a psycho or something... NOT in a good way... the past tends to control my mind and it just won't go away. It's driving me insane. I feel like people are just too good for me... life is too good for me. I'm not suicidal, so don't get your hopes up. But i do need help... and not from another fucking shrink... my shrink scares me. Shrinks in general scare me... they're too damn NICE. I like the friendliness, but it's a bit creepy... i'm not used to people being all that nice to me. I'm labelled as the failure, the fuck up, the loser, the lazyass... pathetic... my mom called me pathetic once. Eh.. when will it end?